Can’t sleep: cockroaches, blue tongue lizards, and geckos will eat me.

So really weird and random things happen in my household all the time. I mean, really freaking insane things. Sometimes those things are spaced out a little, and sometimes shit gets cray real quick.

Tonight was one of those times – and right after I posted about funny stories with the dog. Well, this includes a fair number of animals.

So Lady (the sister) and I are watching TV. We do this a lot. We marathon TV shows a lot. We are basically pros at marathoning TV. That’s another story though. So we are minding our own business just casually praying that our favourite character doesn’t die.

It feels normal. Lady’s little cat, I’ll call her Bitchy (because she’s a massive bitch), is hunting a baby gecko that’s on the ceiling. She does that. She gets up on the picture rail that’s in our living room (about 4 inches wide and 8 foot up the 10 foot ceiling. Bitchy’s favourite place), stalking this gecko. She can’t reach it without kamikazeing, and thankfully she doesn’t try. Everything is fine. We always have geckos because they breed in our blinds. No big thing, except for it sounds like a giant spider rustling around when they move around in the blinds.

Bitchy all of a sudden comes down from her perch at top speed (which can be dangerous for one of the least agile cats I’ve ever seen) and pounces at the wall behind the Dopey One’s bed. Luckily, Juj is outside at this point.

So we naturally look over to see what Bitchy is doing. It becomes apparent that a cockroach the size of Tasmania has run out from behind the couch. There are two things Lady and I just cannot deal with: spiders and cockroaches. Well, grasshoppers and rhinoceros beetles too, but those are, again, whole other stories.

So, the cockroach has scuttled behind a box in the corner of the room and Lady and I have promptly jumped up onto the couch. Yes, we are those people. Now, I’m the type that needs to be able to see the offending creature at all times until I have a death certificate in my hand, and Lady is on the verge of a mental breakdown. We arm ourselves with a flat-soled shoe (so it can’t escape from being squished) and the bug spray.

Lady moves Bitchy out of the way, as she had been waiting for her prey this whole time, and shifts the box. The cockroach runs, we scream and spray and – with a seemingly clear shot – smash down the shoe. The spray hits, but I have the aim of a drunken elephant, so miss with the smash competely. We’re back standing on the couch. I have clear view of the cockroach as it scrambles around and as it starts to climb the dog bed towards us. I yell that it’s climbing the bed. We flee.

Time out in the kitchen. We formulate a new plan and slowly re-enter the arena – sorry – living room. I, in my infinite ability, dropped the first shoe upon failure, and have now picked up its mate, and Lady intends to lift the dog bed to find where it went. The stick we try to use to lift the bed, however, is the flimsiest piece of crap I’ve ever seen, so that doesn’t work except to slide the bed a mere centimetre. Lady, in the front position this time, hears it rustling about somewhere in her vicinity. We flee.

Time out in the kitchen. New plan: move the couch because it’s definitely under there. So we re-enter the arena – LIVING ROOM, damnit. Lady moves the weapon rack – shoe rack, that is – and it attacks. By attacks, I do mean it runs along the floor. We flee.

Time out in the kitchen. This one only lasts half a second because we need to know where it went. Success! It’s now in Lady’s room, so come bed time, I do not have to deal with that shit. We locate a better stick and proceed to remove items from Lady’s floor closet until it makes more noise. We flee.

Kidding, this time we have to finish it. I’m still armed with a shoe, so Lady moves the last piece of clothing out of the way and it starts scrambling. Luckily, Lady also has the bug spray, so she douses it again and it seems to slow slightly. Slightly. These things can withstand nuclear bombs. In its impeded state, I smash the shoe down with a little more accuracy. After a few more smashes, it seems dead. We flee.

Time out in the kitchen. Now I just need a death certificate and everything will be fine. We check, and it’s still under the shoe, squished, so we drop weapons and return to TV.

You probably have forgotten about the blue tongue lizard from the title of this post. Trust me, we were exhausted by now too.

Not ten minutes later, Dopey starts barking right under our window. Now, I can tell what her barks mean, and this one either meant a killer was standing just outside our gate, or she had something trapped in the yard.


Guess which.

So we go outside, and using a phone as a torch, try to investigate. Of course, Juj has chosen the darkest corner of the yard for her escapade. Lady spots what looks like the kitten from next door in Juj’s mouth. Perfect.

No wait, it’s more like a snake. Stupendous.

I run, well, I creep, around to her trying to dodge all the freaking spiderwebs that are constantly everywhere (I HATE summer) and get to Dopey. I find her, shine the phone torch right at her face, and it looks like a snake in her mouth. Spectacular.

A few stern words from me has her running away with her prize with a look that screams “fuck you!” on her face. But Jujie doesn’t swear (unlike Bitchy).

Next thing, Lady reappears with a leash to catch her. Great. It works perfectly to catch her by making her think we are going somewhere and running straight up onto the deck where we can shut a gate to keep get up there. The Juj Gate is its proper name – built to keep her off the deck.

Thankfully, she dropped her prize in the yard first. Careful poking with a stick (different stick again) confirmed it was a lizard. Probably a blue tongue, but honestly I couldn’t give a rat’s arse. They’re supposed to be poisonous but it’s mostly intact and she is fine hours later, so… eh. I escort it to the wheelie bin and now we have to deal with Bloody McGee. She’s feral. Out comes the hose (mind, she is usually washed in the bath tub). She resists for a bit, but soon realises this will happen regardless of the struggle.

A clean, damp dog later, and we’re back at TV. Our favourite character isn’t dead, but he isn’t doing well. This is important. And Bitchy thinks it’s a great time to start hunting the baby gecko again. We forgo dinner and instead live off a healthy diet of jumping at every noise and mistaking the hook behind the couch for a spider every four seconds. We do that a lot anyway, but tonight was special. One can only describe it as an ordeal.

So now I am lying in bed with Dopey, Bitchy is probably sleeping in Lady’s armpit, but we’re both awake. Can’t sleep: cockroaches, blue tongue lizards, and geckos will eat me.


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